I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
You Might Also Like
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.