I will never stop laughing at this
You Might Also Like
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Great acting.. 😂
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better