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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
me and the Superbowl rn
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello