They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
date: I think we鈥檝e actually met before
picasso: sorry I鈥檓 not good with faces
Wonder why we didn鈥檛 get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He鈥檚 better off now.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 馃槶馃槶馃槶
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl鈥檚 purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I鈥檝e never dated a rich girl before.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.