If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs