[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Muppet Screams
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.