I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”