[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
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Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Erm…
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.