I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
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You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time