My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
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How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Breaking news:
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.