Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.