I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.