*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
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None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….