when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
For anyone who needs this today
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Catercrombie & Fish
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.