computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.