MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.