ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
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SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
the noise i just made
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.