My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping