*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
having children is a pyramid scheme.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I have no passwords left in me
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.