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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Any refunds available?…
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you