cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.