Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
You Might Also Like
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.