I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.