This woman is my idol. Free her.
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?