Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
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8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Bros before Ohioes
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.