date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
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The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺