ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers