If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
DOOO EEEET
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.