Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?