I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
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I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”