That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Smile Twitter, Smile.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
🤣🤣💀
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*