Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that