Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
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I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
“i am a sweet baby”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
*weighs self after shaving
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”