NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working