Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
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Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”