Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
She: I like Cats
He:
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.