I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
no cat here
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
girls literally only want one thing..
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.