I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
You Might Also Like
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I need to update my racial profile.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?