“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
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“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
is this how new cars are made??
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten