bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.