I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
People who complain about parties must not like free food.