Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I鈥檝e lived here over
250 years and haven鈥檛 noticed anything strange.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My pet snake took my kid鈥檚 disappearance so hard, he鈥檚 gained 110 lbs since last week.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My dating profile:
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
SCARY COSTUME
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My wife thinks it鈥檚 weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other鈥檚 throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I鈥檝e never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he鈥檚 gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…