My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it