Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Ok but actually
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me