I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
boat question
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts