If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.