Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Only a mother’s love …
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.