[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
You Might Also Like
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*