is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.