The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
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my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings